Thursday, September 17, 2015

Comfortably Numb

Comfortably Numb

Depression is an illness millions of people suffer through for weeks, months, even years. It may be simple post-partum blues, or depression because of grief, or sometimes it’s the bottom of the barrel and you can’t see you way out. It makes you feel lonely and afraid.

Is there anyone in there?
Just nod is you can hear me.”

What if you can’t nod from exhaustion? You try at first to take care of your depression as you retreat farther and farther from your family, your friends, the world.

The family tries to persuade you to go see a doctor, but you resist. You’ve had these feelings before and you’ve always – always – pulled out of it by yourself.

But this time things are getting worse and the next thing you realize all you want to do is pull out in front of a tractor trailer and end it all. This is when you know you’re in deep shit. As soon as you drive the last mile to work, you make an emergency call to the nearest psych center.

“I’ll need some information first.
Just the basic fact,
Can you show me where it hurts?”

I want to scream – IT HURTS EVERYWHERE!! I need help before something bad happens to me or my family. So off I go to the fix-me-up place.

Just a little pin prick
… you may feel a little sick.
Can you stand up?”

Group therapy, individual therapy, no notebooks with wires – my favorite kind – how the hell will I be able to write? The first few days I’m a zombie with no thoughts of my own.

“I have become comfortably numb.”

This is not solving my problem, I want to be a normal wife again, a mother, a daughter, a grandmother, a writer – but never a nurse ever again - never ever.

“When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.”

I am no long a child and I have a dream. The pain is not over and it will always be there back in the shadows of your mind. I will sometimes have dark days looming, but now they are coming in longer waves. I close my eyes, pulling on willpower to move forward.

“I no

**Song lyrics by Pink Floyd**

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