The past few refreshing mornings have been wonderful! It is noticeably cooler with little to no humidity, reminding me that summer is quickly fading and autumn is fast approaching. I love having the windows open so the curtains blow in the breeze. I love the fresh, crisp smells of the air, ruffling the pages of the manuscript I am working on. It has felt good to be writing this week because it has taken my mind off my illness
Some days will when I am fine, days where I do not cry or have an uncontrollable urge to huddle in a little heap and snarl at someone, days where I smile at the world and feel comfortable. Then everything will suddenly change and the burning hole in my chest will burst open, erupting and I suffocate, no matter how hard and how deep I try to breathe. No matter how hard I try to protect myself against this feeling, it never gets easier.
Life is not always warm and fuzzy, but I have developed different coping mechanisms to get me through those moments and carry on, carry on as if nothing is wrong….just carry on. There are days when it really feels as if Lady Luck turned her back on me, where I cannot feel her warm smile beam down on me. There are days where I battle with each step I take and each breath I breathe, where I battle to remind myself that the sun will shine again. It is times like these where I feel defeated, where it feels as if all I do is in vain, where all I want to do is have a “pity me” party.
My mind is a babbling mess of uncontrollable chaos. I wish there was just a small fraction of a moment where I could escape the inner dialogue racing through my brain, to just leave everything behind, forget about things that need to be done, forget about responsibilities, just sit by myself and wallow in self-pity.
But I have so much to be thankful for, so many reasons to rejoice. I am so lucky to be alive today, and even though I know I still have a long way to go, I have to give myself some slack and not get frustrated with my slow progress. Things could be a lot worse for me, so I will take my rehab one step at a time, with grace and gratitude.
And the sun will shine again tomorrow.