The past few refreshing
mornings have been wonderful! It is noticeably cooler with little to no humidity,
reminding me that summer is quickly fading and autumn is fast approaching. I love
having the windows open so the curtains blow in the breeze. I love the fresh,
crisp smells of the air, ruffling the pages of the manuscript I am working on.
It has felt good to be writing this week because it has taken my mind off my
illness
Some days will when I am fine, days
where I do not cry or have an uncontrollable urge to huddle in a little heap
and snarl at someone, days where I smile at the world and feel comfortable. Then
everything will suddenly change and the burning hole in my chest will burst
open, erupting and I suffocate, no matter how hard and how deep I try to
breathe. No matter how hard I try to protect myself against this feeling, it never
gets easier.
Life is not always warm and fuzzy, but I
have developed different coping mechanisms to get me through those moments and
carry on, carry on as if nothing is wrong….just carry on. There are days when
it really feels as if Lady Luck turned her back on me, where I cannot feel her
warm smile beam down on me. There are days where I battle with each step I take
and each breath I breathe, where I battle to remind myself that the sun will
shine again. It is times like these where I feel defeated, where it feels as if
all I do is in vain, where all I want to do is have a “pity me” party.
My mind is a babbling mess of
uncontrollable chaos. I wish there was just a small fraction of a moment where
I could escape the inner dialogue racing through my brain, to just leave
everything behind, forget about things that need to be done, forget about
responsibilities, just sit by myself and wallow in self-pity.
But I have so much to be thankful for,
so many reasons to rejoice. I am so lucky to be alive today, and even though I
know I still have a long way to go, I have to give myself some slack and not
get frustrated with my slow progress. Things could be a lot worse for me, so I
will take my rehab one step at a time, with grace and gratitude.
And the sun will shine again tomorrow.
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