Showing posts with label #depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label #depression. Show all posts

Monday, November 30, 2015

Wake up and live


WAKE UP AND LIVE


I can't see my way around
the dark veil of depression
increasingly squeezing in on my life.
Even medications are not enough to control the suffocating blackness.
Occasionally, tiny specks of happiness are sprinkled through my life,
like bits of candy canes in peppermint ice cream -
sharp, but sweet, lessening the edge of torment.
I've live half my life, so why don't I feel better about myself?
Why does this torture continue,
causing nothing by hopelessness and pain?
Life is too short to live in misery and despair.
I've got to wake up and smell the fresh,
tantalizing fragrance of my family,
my life -
I must wake up and live.

Friday, November 6, 2015

Unexpected

Today is my momma's birthday and I miss her so much. I wrote this three years ago and I am reprinting it in her remembrance.



I picked up the phone today to call my Momma,
before I realized there was no way to talk with her.
Why do I do things like this?
Why do I hear the wind chimes and
feel like my sister is right outside the door?

Grief and despair are sliding in again
like the slug of mud rolling down
the scalped mountains of Appalachia.

Will this pain never end? Or am
I left with these holes in my heart
never to be healed again? I know
time is supposed to heal all wounds,
but these wounds still gape and weep.

Occasionally, a ray of sunshine and
will enter, blowing cool hope and
wetting your mouth like an orange creamsicle.

Then like the tinkle of the wind chimes
or the rippling of a cool forest stream,
the feelings slowly ooze away, only
leaving hints of an unexpected return.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

13 reasons to love autumn



Here are my 13 reasons to love autumn:

1.) Pumpkins, squash and gourds - oh my! These fruits are the quintessential signs of autumn. They show in in yard decorations, children's carvings and delicious meals. Nothing says autumn like the bright orange pumpkins, multi-colored gourds, and textural squash.


2.) Beautiful autumn leaves - after pumpkins, the natural splendor of autumn leaves ushers in the arrival of cooler days and longer nights. Red, orange, yellow and brown - these are the gifts of nature to the season of giving.

3.) Crisp cool air - There is nothing better than waking to a morning where light frost coats everything in sight, leaving the air cool and crisp with the first hints of what's to come. I am not a summer person, so I rejoice in the cooler mornings that come with the autumn.

4.) Juicy apples and pears picked fresh from the trees -What could be a better banquet from nature? Although my apple and pear trees are extremely old, they still produce enough fruit to satisfy my family. Apple butter, pear butter, apple-pear preserves, apple sauce - all these yummy treats are awaiting in a basketful of fruit.

5.) Spider webs dancing in the early morning dew - Although spiders aren't one of my favorite creatures, I relish the beautiful webs they weave. And there is nothing prettier than dew collecting on autumn webs, making an artistic statement to the world.

6.) Fodder shocks (corn stalks) - Either standing in a field or decorating a front yard, one sure sign of autumn are the mighty corn stalks. Tall and majestic, they provide decoration as well as food for the coming winter.

7.) Bonfires or camp fires in the backyard - Is there anything better than a warm bonfire on a cold autumn night? Huddling with family and friends and reliving the events of the summer past, this activity goes hand in hand with roasting marshmallows or hotdogs, even popcorn fresh from a corn stalk.

8.) Cattails - Although a nuisance to many a farmer, cattails make wonderful fall decorations, lasting well into the winter. Tall and spiky - and even a bit fluffy when the cattail is way past bloom - the elegance of cattails goes with any decorating scheme.

9.) Chrysanthemums - Orange, red, brown, yellow, white, rust - there are so many different colors for the autumn mums, and each one is just as beautiful as the next. Chrysanthemums are THE flower of autumn.

10.) Indian Corn - For as long as I can remember, I have always had Indian corn hanging on my front door as a sign of the welcoming autumn. These multicolor kernels fit with any fall arrangements.

11.) Damp, rainy days - I may be the only one, but I love damp, rainy days. I like the way the air feels cool and damp, I like the way the raindrops glisten on the autumn leaves, and I feel like I'm at one with the elements.

12.) Candles - When the air turns cooler, I start burning candles; they give the home a warm, cozy feeling. I prefer the lighting that candles give off, making everything appear romantic and homey.

13.) Candy Corn - Although I don't like candy corn, this is my hubby's favorite, so I always associate it with autumn. There is just something about these sugary candies that gets him in the mood.


 *Photos from Google Images

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Thursday, September 17, 2015

Comfortably Numb



Comfortably Numb


Depression is an illness millions of people suffer through for weeks, months, even years. It may be simple post-partum blues, or depression because of grief, or sometimes it’s the bottom of the barrel and you can’t see you way out. It makes you feel lonely and afraid.


“Hello?
Is there anyone in there?
Just nod is you can hear me.”


What if you can’t nod from exhaustion? You try at first to take care of your depression as you retreat farther and farther from your family, your friends, the world.

The family tries to persuade you to go see a doctor, but you resist. You’ve had these feelings before and you’ve always – always – pulled out of it by yourself.

But this time things are getting worse and the next thing you realize all you want to do is pull out in front of a tractor trailer and end it all. This is when you know you’re in deep shit. As soon as you drive the last mile to work, you make an emergency call to the nearest psych center.


“I’ll need some information first.
Just the basic fact,
Can you show me where it hurts?”


I want to scream – IT HURTS EVERYWHERE!! I need help before something bad happens to me or my family. So off I go to the fix-me-up place.


“Okay
Just a little pin prick
… you may feel a little sick.
Can you stand up?”


Group therapy, individual therapy, no notebooks with wires – my favorite kind – how the hell will I be able to write? The first few days I’m a zombie with no thoughts of my own.


“I have become comfortably numb.”


This is not solving my problem, I want to be a normal wife again, a mother, a daughter, a grandmother, a writer – but never a nurse ever again - never ever.


“When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.”


I am no long a child and I have a dream. The pain is not over and it will always be there back in the shadows of your mind. I will sometimes have dark days looming, but now they are coming in longer waves. I close my eyes, pulling on willpower to move forward.


“I no
longer
want
to
be
comfortably
numb”



**Song lyrics by Pink Floyd**